Lose Yourself
by Richi03
Summary: Kid needed to toughen up anyways. Life isn't starshine and moonbeams. Instead of JT getting killed, Sean did. Find out how Emma copes. Decided to keep this a one shot.


**_Disclaimer:_** _As much as I wish I did, I do not own Degrassi: TNG what-so-ever. One can dream though...lol._

_**Author's Note: **I'm not sure if I'm just going to have this as a one-shot or as a chapter story. Review and let me know if you think I should continue with it. :)_

_Lying next to him, she wondered how this had happened. It wasn't something she'd ever really wanted and she wasn't sure if she wanted it even now. Feeling his eyes on her, she consiously fought to keep her breathing even, hoping he would believe she really was asleep. Part of her hoping he would shake her awake...tell her to leave, of course he didn't. Instead she felt his arms slide around her and pull her close against his chest, nuzzling his face in her soft hair. He wasn't the type of guy to "love 'em and leave 'em", he simply wasn't built that way. Sex, to him, wasn't something you just did, it was something you felt...something you shared. It was an experience meant to bring two people closer, two people who should be in love or at the very least have strong feelings for one another. There had been a time when she'd felt the same way, but that time was long past. That girl she'd been was gone, only an empty shell of who she used to be remained. Somewhere, deep inside, she could feel the first tug of guilt, but she knew it wouldn't stop her from breaking him._

_She almost gave herself away when she felt him softly kiss the top of her head. She wasn't used to this. Most of the guys would just thank her and send her on her merry way. Whe she'd thought it wouldn't be any different with him, she wasn't sure. If she was being completely honest though, she would have to say that she'd known it would be different with him and that's why she'd done it. She'd have to say that it was because she was tired of not feeling loved...not feeling cared for. She'd wanted to have those feelings again, if only for a short while. She'd wanted to feel cherished again, the way Sean had cherished her. _

_She could feel his breath lighten on her neck and begin to slowly even out, signaling he'd finally fallen asleep. Gingerly, she removed his arm from around her waist and got out of bed. Running a hand through her messy blonde locks, she looked around his room. Pictures of JT, Manny, Liberty and herself filled the walls. Her eyes layed to rest on one picture in particular. He'd taken it at Homecoming of her and Sean. She'd worn a long pale green dress and Sean had on a dress shirt with a tie and dress pants. A slow smile spread across her face at how awkward Sean looked, but happy too. Sean had been looking at her instead of the camera with a grin on his handsome features as she'd laughed at something he said. A tear trailed it's way down her pale cheek, but it was quickly wiped away. Emma Nelson did not cry. She did not fall apart. And she hadn't. Not when she'd found him outside her house, surrounded in a pool of his own blood or when she'd been at the hospital and the doctor had told her they'd lost him, not even at the funeral where she'd finally met his alcoholic parents and reunited with Tracker, whose own tears had fallen into her hair as he'd hugged her. It was as if all of her tears had dried up and there were simply none left for her first love, her only love. _

_She sighed, unaware that the boy next to her was now awake, watching her. She thought about the past few months since she'd lost Sean, since she'd lost herself. She thought about the countless one night stands with nameless, faceless guys and the fight with Manny that had once and for all ended their thirteen year friendship. She thought about how her mom didn't know how to talk to her anymore and Snake would barely look her in the eye. She missed the girl she used to be, but she didn't know how to get that girl back. Part of her wasn't sure if she ever could. _

_She stood up, searching the room for her discarded clothes. She pulled her jeans on and slid her t-shirt over her head. Still, completely unaware, of the boy now sitting up in bed with sadness in his brown eyes. Once she'd dressed she began to tip toe over to the door, doing her best to be completely silent. She was startled by a voice._

_"You're leaving," he stated simply, the hurt evident in his voice._

_She turned and looked at him, one of her oldest and dearest friends, a friend she knew she wouldn't have anymore after tonight. _

_"Yeah well, gotta get home," she replied. He just nodded and watched her with solemn eyes._

_"I didn't think my first time would be like this. I always pictured the girl loving me back," he whispered softly._

_"Bummer times, Tobes," she sneered, turning away from him, ignoring the painful tug of regret in her heart. She'd never really meant to hurt him, but it had been inevitable. Kid needed to toughen up anyways. Life isn't starshine and moonbeams._


End file.
